This is about where it started. I'd like to think at some point, everyone has a life crisis and begins wondering where they are going and what the hell they are doing. And after traveling the country and talking to people in dozens of different states, it looks as if I'm not the only one. Though I don't see this picture ceasing to represent my life anytime soon, I take comfort knowing that it doesn't just represent my life. I have companions in this debacle: life. Knowing that I am not alone in not knowing makes me feel stronger, more capable of victory one day. I think that is important.
I have spent most of my life trying not to fail. Even if that meant failing on purpose, to ensure the fact that I wouldn't actually fail. If I didn't try and I failed, then I would know it was because I didn't try, thus making it impossible for me to actually fail. Or succeed. Fear of failure kept me from success my whole life. And now that I have been provided a wealth of experience and knowledge through my recent travel, I know that failure is nothing to be afraid of. That failure is the only road to success; without it there is no progress, no evolution, no achievement. This I have learned. Now all that scares me is success, and what I would do if and when I find it. But better that then the converse.
Success, however, is an allusive thing. Something that even when confident of it, seems like it might never be reached. That it might, at all times, lie just outside our ability to achieve. Something too far away, or something that will take too long to get to. Even though this feels like the case; that this thing, this success, is all the way over there...I know it is there, and even which general direction it is in. And, somehow, that is enough to satiate all that there is within me that thinks it must know where I am going in order to move forward. It's almost some sort of faith I have acquired. A faith that things will be okay, that if I continue to try things, to put myself out there, that opportunities will continue to present themselves. A faith, in that I haven't the slightest clue what my life will look like in three months; if I'll have a job or not, if I'll be in California, and if so, where in California will I be. Orange
County? LA? But I'm not worried. Success (whatever that means) will come. It has to come. It must.
just jump:
After returning from my travels, I find myself in a position to choose. On the edge looking down, seeing what life could be. The life of possibility; of potential. From this point, you can also look backward, seeing how life has been, and how it could continue to be. The life of comfort; of dependability. Now, I expend a lot of energy trying to avoid situations that require me to make decisions. Because I've learned that if anything scares me, it's responsibility and commitment. Just terrifies me. So do I jump? Having tasted what could be. Do I jump? If it's true that the core of man's soul is in new experiences, then why would we not bend our lives to be one full of experience. And maybe it's that we can do that anywhere we are. Maybe it's not a decision such as jumping or not, but of whether we jump or stay put, how do we live?
I realize that it is a luxury to have the problem of wondering what I should do with my life. The fact that not being sure of what I want to commit my life to is my greatest debacle in life, is a phenomenon that is only explainable by seeing how untouched my life is by real hardship, or pain thus far. I say this not to cheapen my life as it is, but to explain how fortunate I think I am to be in a position that allows me such ability to self explore. And there are times when I think it doesn't just allow me to explore myself, but demands it. So I am free, and I enjoy being so. It is a luxury I must take advantage of, or I will resent myself forever. It's funny that my current freedom of responsibility and commitment is actually a call to take responsibility and commit to something in and of itself. My freedom is challenging me to find what it is my life can be most effectively spent. Sometimes luxury is the greatest of impetus.
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And remember:
if you get tired, dancing helps.
