It is October 31st here in the Green RV. I have nothing orange to wear. So to offset my physical celebration of this glorious day, I'm saying thank to Satan for being born today 2000 years ago ever hour on the hour.
Okay, that's not true, but seriously, today is Satan's birthday. I'm just saying, it tells me a lot about you if tonight you are doing any of the selective things people who love Satan do on this day:
I. Wearing either orange or black. And yes, suburban mothers, this even includes your cutie jack-o-lantern earrings, and your festive candy corn broaches.
II. Eating candy. Look out especially for Smarties, Tootsie Pops, and any mini chocolate bar that upon eying, your mom would instantly ask for, i.e. mini Snickers, mini Almond Joy, mini 100 Grand , etc. saying "Oh, you don't like those right?"
III. Trick or Treating (this is a big one). In making up a pros and cons list for Trick or Treating, I discovered there are thousands of cons, and only one pro.
Cons including: the myriads of razor blades thousands of people across the country place inside their Halloween candy. Poison should be addressed as well; a very likely scenario. Not to mention, that Trick or Treating is practically a front-door- delivered-all-you-can-offend buffet for sexual offenders everywhere. And if pillow cases aren't an innuendo, I don't know what is.
Pro: walking is good exercise for our nation of increasingly obese children. (however, this is often offset by the amount of trash consumed this night)
III. clause A) It should be noted that any and all Fall Festivals, Harvest Parties, and/or Autumn Celebrations, taking place at churches all across the country, are a perfectly suitable substitute for the otherwise pagan ritual of Trick or Treating.
IV. Halloween Parties. Now this is two fold, because it not only includes your usual debaucherous party activities, but the fact that costumes are often required creates a whole new segue for evil to participate. I can think of few more scenarios pleasing to the Prince of the World than a roomful of young men and women pretending to be someone else in hopes that they can forget how pathetic they themselves are. Girls, using the event to dress like a whore without the consequences of actually being one, including often a form of captivity, or financial crisis. I think this began when the female species realized that putting "dirty" in front of anything while choosing a costume is a winner. Men, taking the chance to come up with the most clever, politically sensitive, ironic, or socially relevant costume possible in order to woo said whores also attending the party. Ugh!
I hope my words have been convicting and sufficiently condescending, as my only hopes for you are that you being such a sinner, and celebrating such a horrid holiday that stands for everything liberal and socialist about our country.
On Another Note:
I voted today, from a freaking RV on the road from Nebraska to Colorado. But seriously, you should vote too.
1 comment:
i think you totally judge me for what i did friday night and for what i'm not doing on tuesday.
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